[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
was Jim off killing horses or…
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”