You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.