I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
#CatsOnTwitter
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.