Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!