Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
You Might Also Like
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
White Castle for the Win
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost