[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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“I FIXED IT!”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.