Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You Might Also Like
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*