Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
You Might Also Like
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most