*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.