{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced 拢149.99.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: That鈥檚 a very interesting sculpture
Her: It鈥檚 Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it鈥檚 yours. You don鈥檛 have to be a jerk about it
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I鈥檓 not talking to you. I鈥檓 playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i鈥檓 here for the fish tube job