Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
the simulation is moving too fast
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.