I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?