In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.