*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth