Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”