I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My wife gives the best headache.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold