I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Dolls on drugs
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂