A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 馃ぉ
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
pls don鈥檛 buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me too 馃槅
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Well, shit
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
her: so we could have sex
me: 馃檨
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 馃檪
her: [sigh] i鈥檒l get the katanas
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
America sucks rn. I鈥檓 moving to the USA!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!