I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”