Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
You Might Also Like
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
birds and squirrels envy us
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.