In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Grandmother clock.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted