When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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Joined WhateverCupid鈩笍 and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
May the fourth be with you and if you鈥檙e married, may the back and forth be with you
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) 鈥ay i please have a snack
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I鈥檓 sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That鈥檚 how old you are.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no