Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I can fix him.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming