ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.