Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You Might Also Like
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.