mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.