I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
buying dead houseplants to save time
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?