Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.