I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Oh we’ve met.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.