[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.