Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room