sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
that lip filler tho
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Just so funny
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.