Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.