I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
You Might Also Like
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
How to woo a woman
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”