Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Love this guy
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Dishonest mechanic?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
lmao
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer