detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
It be like that sometimes 😆
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees