Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.