It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
classic mixup
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
This is the best one I’ve seen
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool