I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…