Proctology is located in A55
You Might Also Like
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Catercrombie & Fish
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.