Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”