I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You Might Also Like
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
What number SPF blocks people?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.