Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Breaking news:
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”