“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.