Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.