[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Meat Cute
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
is this a threat
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.