Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.