Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol