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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My whole life was a lie.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock