video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.